29 December 2005

homos genos

Okay, promise broken and I'm-a-bloggin'.

As we near the end of another year, we look back (as we always do) and contemplate our doings. Then come the new year resolutions to do no wrong and make the best better. I have tried keeping to my resolutions but things never go as planned. Do I beat myself senseless over these failures? I did when I was younger. Not anymore. I do question myself every now and then. However, living for the moment is so much more attractive. Not forgetting the seductive force that impels you into that moment.

I've been in Theatre now for over a decade of wonderful moments. Satire, drama, fantasy... all everyday matters. I started my company because I want to produce works that deal with the human condition, primarily the issue of individualism. The individual in a conformist society, someone who has the right to choose and learn. I'm not too good explaining it right now. Let's skip to my point of the evening.

As a child, I was conditioned to point the finger when a wrong was done. My father taught me otherwise but I didn't listen. As a teenager, my fingers were so stiff from the pointing. My father spoke, I ignored. In my early 20s, the label 'Diva' was bestowed on me by my closest friends (and this label lives on till today). I blamed everyone and everything. Yeah, at the time, the living was good. Or so I thought.

It's been close to 7 years since the passing of my father. And in these 7 years, my finger still pointing, slowly poised itself in the opposite direction.

The educated human race is excellent at blaming the rest of the world for its woes and shit. But we forget, world leaders, politicians, people, get away because we let them. We refuse to admit that sometimes the fault lies in our own selves. Terminally ill children don't blame their parents or doctors. Villagers in Pakistan don't blame the government or God for the earthquake.

In the cities, when the authorities make new road traffic rules, we are quick to say, "Those bloody coppers!" Have we ever actually sat down and thought about why these rules are made?

If a friend doesn't talk to you anymore, do you know why? A lover walks out. Like the saying goes, it takes two to tango.

These past few weeks, I've been cleaning my house and making it the home that was left me by my daddy. My home. The name on the land title grant is mine. Taking control I guess. Responsibility. So many memories came flowing back with every box of stuff I cleared.

Then the moment came. I remembered he said,

"You are responsible for your actions and your life. If there is any sort of trouble or strife, know that there is only you who can get yourself out of it. Don't expect me to help you because I'm not going to be around forever."

To tell you the truth, I remembered it the day he died. And it has been with me ever since. So now the finger points inwards when it should. Painful sometimes but another gram of chip flies off my shoulder.

We cannot change others if we are reluctant to do it ourselves first. The work I direct and produce is greatly influenced by the teachings of my dad and the personal experiences I have learned from. I'm finally beginning to love the life I've been given. If money wasn't always such a concern, I'd love it even more.

More learning and teaching for me. I love it that we never stop learning.

A long time ago, however deaf I was, I listened. (And still listening my friend.)


Anonymous said...

Hi Edwin,

I admire your frankness in stating your point. Looking inwards would definitely bring out our true selves..It reflects almost instantly and shows..You are beginning to show your true self...

mamasan said...

wonderful words and a humbling spirit. i wish you well in everything you do and especially a great 2006.

lovey, c

mufee said...

its in human nature to complain.. its what pple do.. its what they love doin..
we r just not big enough to look inside ourselves n take the blame for things..

good luck with everythin babe..

Anonymous said...

I am wonderin' if this is the little 'dark corner' that u have yet to find the matches to light the candle for. If so, may it comfort u to know that perhaps yr daddy lit it for u the day u were born....and his passin' away, if it had in some way snuffed out the candlelight, only means he wanted u to re-light it once more....on your own.

May u start the New Year knowing parental love never wanes, in life or in death...and a bit of mental housekeeping to clear cobwebs sure helps towards a good start to the year!

As for us over in the land of flies-on-bronzed-sheilas, wish us luck as we brave tomorrow's heat wave...time to head on down to the beach, zinc cream and all !


Edwin Sumun said...

The corner is still shadowed. When I was born, my dad lit my world. But this one corner holds my demons (as I type with a smirk).

But...I found a candle!

happy new year!

Anonymous said...

I hope to read a blog of yrs one day that says "i have found the match for THAT candle..and that lit corner is not only beautiful but hey, not as scary as i imagined..." Now i best leave this subject behind b4 i end up being too much of a stickybeak...and find I have ruffled one feather too many! Sides, year of the rooster is coming to an end and the doggie is making its entrance soon...think i will stop ruffling feathers and bite fingers instead...:P (psst:I can almost hear groans...!)

*clink*clink* to u too....


Edwin Sumun said...

hahahaa...oh, ccm, you must have forgetten that I had the matches but no candles. hope you're nice and tanned today.

woof woof says the dog.

have great one today!

Anonymous said...

Aiyahhh, my chiuchow brain must have been fried to a crisp by today's intense heatwave! Sorry Edwin, candles or matches ahh? So long as that corner gets lit, i suppose thats all that matters. Gotta admit u got me my curiosity all fired up....but aint my place to ask.